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Posted: November 4th, 2022

What I’ve Outgrown

My sister Emily and I standing in front of our house, with her climbing a tree. Myfriend Maegan and I sporting nametags and windswept hair. A group of us standing in a lineon the grass, laughing.

My uncle and I on the beach, our ankles buried in wet sand. Three ofus girls in party dresses, posing for the camera. All of these are snapshots of the past. Theyare memories frozen and preserved by chemicals on glossy paper, reminding the viewer ofthe things that have passed. My computer’s hard drive holds even more photos, thousands ofdigitally captured remnants of a moment that seemed important enough to trap with a click ofthe camera.Collecting pictures for the yearbook has shown me how much has truly changed. Ihave found that throughout my life so far, things have changed as quickly as a child’s bodydoes during puberty.

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The evidence can be seen simply by walking down the hallway.

Theboy who cried all the time in elementary school is now over six feet tall and captain of thefootball team. The girl who wore giant sweatshirts and boys’ pants has become the promqueen. The most popular kid in fifth grade has become a whispered name, with everyoneasking, “Whatever happened to…?” These people I shared my animal crackers with duringsnack time have become strangers to me.I sifted through the boxes of old memories with wonder. I constantly marvel at thepower that remembering something, or someone, can hold over a mind. As I dug through thecontents of my drawers, I found a folder of notes written to me by my friend who passedaway.

The nostalgia that wound itself around my heart felt like a rubber band worn too longon a wrist. It unlocked a floodgate of sudden realizations, like blood rushing back into numbfingers. I thought of all the people who had gathered at this friend’s wake, putting theirdifferences aside to mourn together. We had held hands around a candle lit in her memory,our eyes closed so that we might witness a miracle. For an instant, we were connected by ourgrief.Despite the fleeting melding of sad souls, I have since grown apart from many ofthose individuals. I still see them everyday—a small school means there is no avoidinganyone.

Sometimes we smile at one another, a half-hearted acknowledgment of ourfamiliarity. It is exceedingly strange to think that our amity has been reduced to a briefgreeting. Some of the people who now pass by without a second glance are the same peoplewho I stayed on the phone with for hours. We knew everything about each other, and thereare so many documents that can testify to what once was.Even my closet door is a canvas of forgotten names. There are at six or sevenhandprints of my dearest friends at the time. They have outgrown their handprints, and ourfriendship.

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The drawings that are strewn across the door are relics of the recent past. Theyexist only in the world of memories, floating in the evanescent abyss that runs on theenigmatic time zone of teenagers.When I was young, even a single minute could feel like forever. The impatience ofchildhood made me believe in the ever after promised to me by fairytales. Suddenly, I amseventeen and time is moving too fast. All around me there are things, people, and evenplaces that I have outgrown—boxes of clothes I no longer fit into, people I no longer hangout with, places I no longer go to. The tree that my sister climbed is no longer there.

Maeganand I still talk, but we have not been close for years. The group of us standing in a line havesince grown up and gone our separate ways. The sand that my uncle and I trapped our feetbeneath is eroding. The girls in party dresses are only acquaintances now. Human beings arechanging organisms. We are bound to outgrow things, but when we do new things take theirplaces. Today, there are flowers where the tree once stood, I have grown closer to otherpeople, and we go to a different beach.

One day, the present may become another box ofmemories. In the mean time, it fits just fine.

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