Knowledge Through Loss

Everyone has things that they wish they could have done differently, but my mine would have changed my life forever.

My parents had been divorced since I was 7 years old, so I spent every other weekend at my dad’s house and this weekend was my dad’s with us. I always had fun over there, but this time was different. We spent the weekend fighting with each other.

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Finally, I had enough—unfortunately since I was in fifth grade, I couldn’t drive. So my mom came to get me once I called her and explained the situation. By then my dad apologized and asked me to stay, but I was too angry with him to stay.

As I left, three words came out of my lips that I still beat myself up for today: “I hate you.”
After waking up the next day (Sunday), my ill feelings towards my father were gone and I had thought about calling him to apologize and tell him I love him…but I didn’t.

Two days now passed (it’s Monday) and I thought, I should call him…but I didn’t.
The next day, he went missing and we assumed he went up north to Waupaca to clear his head. There was no contact with him and so my family got worried and called the police to send out search parties.

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The day was now Thursday, April 21, 2007.

It was beautiful outside and I couldn’t stop staring out the windows of my fifth grade classroom. Not listening to Mrs. Krauser, only one thing on my mind—a rough and fun game of football after school. But then, in came Mrs. Emmerich. She pulled my teacher aside and whispered back and forth with her. I actually paid attention just in time to realize I was being called down to the office.

Mrs. Emmerich then said in her stern voice, “Spencer, why don’t you take your things and follow me down to the office?”

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They told me to bring my things though? Why? They came to get me personally — I must be in some big trouble! But what for? As I got to the office they told me to go into the conference room and as I walked in I saw my mom.

She looked quite upset, but I wasn’t sure what about.

Maybe something is wrong with our dog Jake? Maybe I did actually do something to get me into deep trouble?

How could I have known her next words? I couldn’t. No one could. “Spencer we found your dad. He’s committed suicide.”

Why do you want me at your school? What is the point of this story? No it isn’t a guilt trip. I learned something very important from this. Life throws things at me all of the time. And it is my job to learn from it—although it was only one lesson lesson for me, it was the most important lesson of my life. Never procrastinate or get lazy because I will always regret it. If I am going to do something…do it. Now, I don’t even hesitate because it is impossible to actually know when too late is too late.

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