Dan Polish 36 watched as the other mommies and daddies eyes pooped Essay

Dan Polish, 36, watched as the other mommies and daddies eyes pooped bricks. Opening his hairy bear claws for hands, an African elephant charged out across a flat, wooden surfaced Serengetee, running into a pencil holder and apple.

Up to this moment, participating in his daughter’s class “career day” had been a virtual VIP ticket to Snooze Fest 2039 for the broad shouldered man, blonde man.

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Thus far the bill had included: a graphic designer, a firefighter, a copyright lawyer, a restaurant owner, a nurse, another restaurant owner, a wedding band musician, and a stay-at-home-dad who also operated a small pet grooming service out of his garage.

The event’s concessions had consisted of lukewarm elementary school fountain water, and whatever expired wads of gum were underneath his child-size desk. In addition, all the acts had been required to sit in front of the third grade class by Ms. Thompson. Polish had to watch the audience members pick their noses, pass secret notes, and yawn over and over again for the past four hours.

So, when the time finally came for Dan, he knew he’d be the headlining act in the Woodstock of mediocre ways to making a living. Releasing the 2″ wide by 1″ high, genetically re-engineered life form was like Jimi Hendrix closing with his version of the Star-Spangled Banner.

“Hi, I’m Carrol’s dad, Dan,” Polish spoke happily, wrangling in the miniature African elephant, “and I’m a genetic re-animation engineer. Does anybody know what that means?”

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One hand went up, and Polish smiled, “let’s see if the other kids can guess, okay, Carrol?”

His daughter’s face became the color of a maraschino cherry. She pouted, folding her arms.

The rest of the classroom remained silent. Polish was certain the adults didn’t really know what his occupation had involved. Of course, they weren’t going to answer though because it was really “all for the kids”.

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“Well, that’s okay. I’m pretty sure at my age I wouldn’t have known, either,” Polish continued, “I suppose the best way to put it would be to start with my little friend, Elle, whom you guys just met,” Carol’s father picked up his work. Holding the micro-elephant in his hand, he said, “Say, ‘hello’ to everyone, Elle.”

The itty-bitty thing squealed more like a church mouse instead of belting it out the way its ancestor, once the largest animal to roam the Earth, would have in the early 21st century. Nonetheless, Elle was quickly drowned out over the thunderous, unified “hell-low-Elle-ee” of the younger generation before her.

“Elle comes from a laboratory where I work. She is a genetically altered clone of an extinct species called the African Elephant, or Loxodonta africana. My job is to resurrect, or bring back, our animal friends in a way that’s more conducive to human life. Does that make sense?”

Not many were really listening to Polish, but were still transfixed on the tiny creature. A little boy in the front row quickly raised his hand though, “Mister-Carrol’s-Dad, what does ‘conducive’ mean?”

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“Good question!” Polish began.

Before he could answer the boy, the stay-at-home dad interjected, “It means ‘better for us’, Billy.”

Polish wasn’t going to be upstaged by the Grateful Dead-weight here, and quickly turned his definition of “conducive” up to eleven for his adoring fans. “Actually, everybody, it means making a certain situation likely or possible. As in, these animals weren’t conducive to our way of life when they were living, which led to their extinction. So, we’ve re-made them. Now, they can fit in our pockets. You see, by extracting, or removing, the ‘big’ gene, African elephants aren’t so intimidating. Also, because they are smaller, their ivory tusks aren’t as valuable as they once were which has helped the species make a come back. We can really embrace elephants like a doggies and kitty kats. Now, isn’t that better?”

The class resounded in a big African elephant sized, “yes” for Polish like an adoring public singing along.

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“Now then, does anybody want to pet, Elle?” Polish gleefully asked the students, walking up and down the tows of desks.

“I do! I do! I do” The children frantically raised their hands, standing up in their desks awkwardly.

Mrs. Thompson, having had no idea that Carol’s dad was going do “show and tell”, quickly demanded to know if it was safe.

“Of course, we’ve removed anything potentially hazardous from Elle. You’re basically dealing with a toy, or human’s play thing, when it comes to her,” Polish reassured the elderly woman before letting the children run a finger down Elle’s back.

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Her skin felt rough, like touching a concrete rock, most kids thought. She was also heavy like one, too. Elle would squeal a little here and there, and try to wrap her trunk around their pinkies. Most kids retracted their finger though, and wiggled as goosebumps appeared on their skin.

“That’s so weird,” Polish heard the children murmur as he went up and down the rows of desks, crowd surfing.

“Does anybody have any questions for Mr. Polish?” Ms. Thompson asked her class. Carol was still beyond words with her father. Most of the class was too excited in anticipation to touch Elle, or giggling with their classmates about the experience, to hear the “old bag” croaking .

There was a little Indian girl who raised her hand though, and inquired, “are there any other ex-stink-ded animals you have rez-a-racked-ded?”

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“Another good question. You guys are all so smart,” Polish boasted, “Yes, there are all kinds of species we’ve brought back to life. There’s: the Amur Leopard, Black Rhino, Cross River Gorilla, Hawksbill Turtle, Javan Rhino, Leatherback Turtle, Mountain Gorilla, Saola, South China tiger, Sumatran Elephant, Sumatran Orangutan, Sumatran Rhino, Sumatran Tiger, Vaquita, Western Lowland Gorilla, Yangtze Finless Porpoise, African Wild Dog, Amur Tiger, Asian Elephant, and so much more. I work specifically with the African elephants like Elle, so I wouldn’t be much help with the other species.”

“You see, there was a lot of extinction in the 21st century as we maintained our ways of living and didn’t consider these animals’ habitats. In the long run, it’s been better for them though. I mean wouldn’t you rather a fun-sized ‘Elle’ as opposed to a big, scary African Elephant with sharp tusks and no respect for us?”

“Yes,” came from not just the students before him, or the other parents and Mrs. Thompson, too, but from Dan Polish, the rockstar of the day.

He was a man who was now the biggest animal walking the Earth because anything bigger than him was ultimately smaller in his eyes. And, if there was still any animal bigger in size, mass, or population, Dan Polish knew humanity would see its eventual extinction the way most of those other species had in the early 21st century.